Resonance (Marauders #4) Read online

  “Yeah. I’m seeing her later.”

  “She was hot,” Sisco mumbled. “Sexy in that ball-busting way.”

  “Do you hit on every fucking woman that walks through those doors?” Bucket asked Sisco.

  “Pretty much,” Sisco shrugged. “I’m not picky, so I cast a wide net.”

  “She’s not worth it,” Tommy told him.

  “You sure? Tits looked great.”

  “I’m sure. She’s… I don’t know. I’ve known her since she was born, so I know her pretty well, and she’s not worth it,” he shrugged. “Also, she’s never been much for short things. She’s the relationship kind.”

  “Damn,” Sisco muttered. “Not gonna happen, then.”

  “What did she want?” Bucket asked.

  “Don’t know. Guess I’ll find out.”

  *

  He worked until lunch, and then told Brick he needed the afternoon off. When Brick asked him why with a big smile, Tommy assumed he knew but wanted to hear him admit it, so he told him.

  Billie was already at the café when he arrived and stood up when she saw him. He hadn’t really had a good look at her the day before, simply since he’d seen red and just wanted her out of his fucking sight, but now he did. She looked good, she always did, but when he got closer he noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Her blonde hair was up in a messy ponytail, and even though her eyes had the same green-brown color as she and Zach had always had, they didn’t have the same shine. She looked dead tired.

  “I ordered coffee for you,” she said and pointed at the cup waiting for him while she sat down. “I assumed you still drink it the same way you used to.”

  Coffee with just a dash of cream, that was how he always had his coffee. The coffee in the cup in front of Billie looked more like a latte than a regular coffee; it had so much cream in it. Zach had used to tease her that her kind of coffee was pussy coffee, but she’d never minded, and Zach had stopped commenting on it when she’d pointed out that she had a pussy. In general, she hardly ever cared when they teased her, but she always gave as good as she got. That was okay, though; it had just made it more fun.

  He looked at her again, and he had no idea where to start. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to stay for the full thirty minutes, because as nice as it was to see her again, he was still so fucking pissed at her.

  “So, I’m listening,” he said.

  “I’m really sorry for what I said to you. I was just a mess, and losing Zach…” She drifted off, and after taking a few deep breaths she boldly met his gaze. “I know it wasn’t your fault, and I’m sorry I said that.”

  It really wasn’t just what she’d said, but just as much what she’d done. She’d cut him off, and they’d been his family. He hadn’t just lost Zach, he’d lost the rest of them, too, and that had been almost as bad. He knew she’d been in a bad place when she’d said those things, but so had he, and he’d taken care to not make it worse for her. She was trying now, though, so he should at least give her a shot.

  “Okay,” he said, and she gave him a nod. “How long have you been in Phoenix?”

  “Four years. Dad was transferred here and I followed them. He retired two years ago.”

  “I have a hard time seeing Clay as a content retiree.”

  “He’s doing okay. Got a lot going, but I think he’s bored at times.” She looked at him. “I didn’t know you lived so close until a few weeks ago.”

  “How would you know?” He’d probably said that slightly more harshly than he’d intended, and he wanted to at least try to be pleasant. “So, why did you move with your parents?”

  “I needed help.” She kept her eyes on the cup in front of her. “I have a son.”

  “Oh?”

  He was surprised. Tommy talked to his brother, Dwayne, on a pretty regular basis, but he’d never mentioned that Billie’d had a kid. Although they’d never really talked about Billie or anyone in the Jensen family, so he didn’t even know if Dwayne was in contact with them.

  When their dad died, their mom fell apart, or rather, got worse than normal. When Dwayne was moving on to college, he’d flat out said to Tommy they needed to get their mom help because there was no fucking way he’d leave Tommy with her. So their mom had ended up in an institution, and Tommy with the Jensens. He hadn’t minded. Their house had always felt more like a home to him than his own. His mom had committed suicide while he was in boot camp. In her farewell letter, she’d claimed it was his fault because she couldn’t see ‘that fucking army take another one of her family members.’ Strangely, losing the Jensens had hurt a lot more than losing his mom, and he didn’t know if that spoke volumes about him or his mother.

  He didn’t see his brother often, but they were still pretty close. They kept in touch, and Tommy owed his brother for the decision he’d made when he left for college. It had been the right thing to do.

  “Yeah.” Billie smiled at his surprise. “He’s… God, I don’t know where to start. He’s sick. Really sick.”

  “I’m sorry.” He reached over the table and took her hand. “Really, Billie, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Thank you. He’s got something called Polycystic Kidney Disease. He’s developing cysts on his kidneys, and they’re shutting down. He needs a new kidney, and we’ve all been tested, but none of us are a match, and he doesn’t have long. He’s on the list, but… if it takes much longer, he’s going to need a new liver, too, and that’s an even longer wait.”

  “Fuck, Billie. That’s rough. Is there anything I can do? I know you probably don’t need money, but anything.”

  He’d help her in any way he could. If a kid was involved, an argument six years ago didn’t matter.

  “I was hoping that… maybe you could see if you match. That’s why I came to find you.”

  “Why…” He’d just started the question of why she thought he would be a match, when the obvious reason hit him like a brick. He let go of her hand “Oh, you fucking bitch.”

  “Tommy—”

  “You fucking thunder cunt. He’s mine, isn’t he?”

  It had been once, or rather one night, just after Zach’s funeral. Some weird attempt from them both to just be closer to Zach by being closer to each other—the two most important people in Zach’s life. It had been amazing. He’d had his entire leg in a cast and a funky shoulder, but it was still probably the best sex he’d had in his entire life. He might not be the smartest guy, but even he understood that the reason it had been good was that it was the first time in weeks he’d been able to relax and think about something else than his best friend dying in his arms. Actually, he’d been so relaxed, he’d started talking to her once they were sated and told her what’d happened when he was injured and Zach died. The next moment, she’d started yelling at him. It had escalated and eventually he’d left her. The unfairness of it had grown into a huge raging ball of anger—all of it directed at her. Walking into the bar and seeing her there had been like a punch square to the jaw.

  But this… She’d had his kid, and hadn’t even bothered with telling him. That was so fucking wrong! So fucking… There weren’t even words for how fucking wrong that was.

  “Yes, he’s yours.” Billie had the decency to look ashamed, but it didn’t help. “I didn’t know what to do. We’d been fighting, I said some mean things, and you’d said to never contact you, and… Frankly, I wasn’t sure you cared.”

  “You thought I wouldn’t care if I had a kid? What the fuck do you think about me, Billie? Was I really that much of an ass to you?” All he really wanted to do was to reach over the table and slam her face into it. “What the fuck gave you the right to make that decision for me?”

  “Nothing!” she yelled before lowering her voice again. “Nothing gave me that right, and I know it. Don’t you think I’ve thought about it? Then you were gone. The longer it went, the harder it got, and then he got sick, and it was all I could think about. There is nothing you can say or call me that I haven’t already thought mys
elf, and I know it doesn’t mean shit to you, but I am sorry, and I need your help.”

  He bit down on all the other things he wanted to call her, or do to her, and decided to try to remember what was important. “What was it he had?”

  “Polycystic Kidney Disease. It’s most often a genetic disorder, but they don’t think it is in his case, since he got it so early. Cysts are basically fluid-filled bladders, and they’re developing at a rapid speed inside his kidneys. It was discovered when he was just two years old. He’s getting dialysis now and medication for the associated symptoms and conditions. So it’s as much under control as it can be.” She hesitated before saying the next thing. “His name is Felix.”

  He could’ve made a comment about the absurdity of a kid named Felix in Phoenix, but he didn’t. He sighed, and Billie continued talking,

  “He’s very brave and so smart. Really smart, and always in a good mood. It’s usually him cheering me up instead of the other way around.” She looked at him. “Please, just think about it. You don’t have to promise me anything, but just think about it.”

  “About what?”

  “To test and see if you’re a match. I know I have no right to ask you—”

  “Fucking hell, Billie! Of course I’ll do it. I’m not the ass you obviously think I am.”

  He could see her exhale, and her face broke out in a smile.

  “Thank you. I know that’s not enough, in any way, but thank you. And we’ll cover any medical expenses, loss of income, anything you want.”

  Tommy didn’t give a shit about money. “What have you told him about me?” The kid should have been five years old, so he must’ve asked about his dad. At least Tommy thought he might have.

  “The truth.”

  He should’ve known. “You went for the Jensen way.”

  They were always brutally honest about everything. Tell the truth and shame the devil, was basically their family motto.

  “Yes. Rather have him know than having to try to remember what lies I’ve told him. It would just mean he’d hate me when he grew up and found out the truth,” she explained. “He knows you were a friend of Zach’s, that you lived with us for a while, and he knows you don’t know about him. He doesn’t think you’ve stayed away by choice.”

  “Good. Because I’m not gonna do this and disappear. That’s not fucking going to happen.”

  He might not have wanted a kid, but now he had one, and he’d be damned before he ignored that. It was his kid, a Jensen-Miles kid. He was bound to be an awesome guy, Tommy thought to himself and tried to hide his smile. He couldn’t wait to meet him.

  “I didn’t think you would,” Billie said.

  “I want to meet him.”

  “He knows I’ve been looking for you, but I haven’t told him I’ve found you. Just in case…”

  “… I was as much of an ass as you thought.”

  “It’s a lot to process. I just thought it was better to not get his hopes up.”

  “Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night,” he snarled. “When can I see him?”

  CHAPTER TWO

  I’m Ready

  oOo

  FELIX WAS STILL AWAKE when I came home, so I lay down next to him.

  “I found him, little guy. I found Tommy.”

  “My dad?” he asked, and his entire body tensed. “You found him?”

  “Yes. I know this is really big, and a lot for you to take in.” He didn’t even let me finish.

  “Do you think he wants to meet me?”

  “He does. He really wants to meet you. He wanted to come immediately, but I said I needed to talk to you first.”

  “Mooom! Why did you do that?”

  I laughed. “I wanted to make sure you were ready. Maybe I needed to get ready for it, too.”

  “Oh.” He moved closer to me and put his skinny little arms around my neck. “Was he angry at you like you thought he would be?”

  “Yes, but I’ve told you, I would’ve been angry, too, if someone didn’t tell me I had an awesome kid like you.” I gave his nose a kiss. “He won’t take it out on you. He’s a good guy.”

  I was fascinated by how the only thing Felix cared about was if his dad wanted to meet him. He didn’t even care if it meant he could get a kidney, which I had to admit was the only thing I cared about. Some part of me had known it would mean Tommy wanted to meet Felix and be a part of his life, but it didn’t bother me. No matter what Tommy thought about me, I knew he was a good man, and he wouldn’t hold it against Felix.

  I’d told Tommy the truth, though, whether he believed it or not. When I’d first realized I was pregnant, I hadn’t thought he wanted anything to do with me. I’d been so shitty and had blamed him for things I deep down knew weren’t his fault. It had been a weird time in my life. I might’ve been able to find him sooner if I’d really made an effort. Dwayne would’ve told me where he was in a second if I’d told him about Felix. Then it had just been too long; I was ashamed. Once I’d found out about Felix’s illness, it had become the only thing ever occupying my mind, and Tommy hadn’t become important until it became definitive that Felix needed a kidney—and soon.

  When Dad found out who Felix’s father was, he’d been furious with me that I hadn’t told Tommy about him—because it took me a few years before I mustered up the courage to even tell Dad. He’d never asked, and he’d had his reasons not to ask. But when he found out it was Tommy, he’d said Tommy was family and you didn’t keep secrets like that from family. I was mostly surprised he’d never been angry about the fact that I’d had sex with Tommy just after Zach had died, and it took me another year before I finally asked him why it didn’t bother him.

  “People deal with loss differently, and having sex is hardly a unique way of doing it.”

  That was his answer. Considering how he’d avoided commenting on the fact that I was a woman and had left all the birds and the bees conversations to Mom, it was rather shocking coming from him.

  Even if I hoped Tommy had been honest when he’d said he’d donate a kidney to Felix, I wasn’t taking it for granted. I never took things for granted anymore, and it was easy to agree before you had all the information about what it actually meant on hand. It was a tough procedure, and it was actually harder on the donor than on the receiver. Also, I had a hunch he would have to do some serious lifestyle changes, given his newly found life as an outlaw biker.

  I stroked Felix’s cheek.

  “So, little guy, think you’ll want to meet your daddy tomorrow?”

  “Yes!” His entire face was beaming with joy. Then he looked worried. “Can I dress up a little? I don’t want to wear just my PJs.”

  “We’ll dress you up.” I gave his forehead a kiss. “Get some rest. Big day tomorrow.”

  I stayed until he fell asleep, and then I went out of his room to call Tommy.

  “Yeah.”

  “Hi, Tommy, it’s me. He’s very eager to meet you, so if you’d like to come by tomorrow, that would be fine.”

  “When?”

  “Around lunch is usually when he’s the most alert, so if that works for you?”

  “I’ll meet you at twelve.”

  “At the diner?” I’d told Tommy that I wanted us to talk a little more before he actually got to see Felix, since I wanted to explain a few things, and I wanted to make sure he remembered.

  “Yeah.”

  Once again, he hung up without a word of goodbye. I took a deep breath before I went to tell Mom and Dad that Tommy Miles was coming by the next day.

  *

  Tommy was already at the diner when I got there, and he motioned towards a cup of coffee on the table.

  “I bought him a toy bike and a t-shirt. Hope that’s okay,” he said.

  “He’ll like that.” I sat down. “I just wanted to prepare you a little, and I thought I’d… Well, that maybe you’d had enough yesterday.”

  “You think?”

  “Either way, I think you need to be prepared for w
hat you’ll see.” I ignored the hostility, not like I didn’t deserve it, and continued. “Felix is small for a five-year-old, and it’s due to a lot of things. One is simply because of the disease, but also because he’s on a very special diet, and his appetite isn’t very good, either.”

  “Special diet?”

  “Yes. The kidneys’ function is to clean the blood, so if they don’t work, your own blood becomes toxic. That’s why it’s important to avoid adding some things to the system. Food containing a lot of minerals—like chocolate, milk, anything with salt, potassium… and some other things—he can’t have that. That’s why I told you to not buy candy. Chocolate could possibly kill him.”

  “Jesus.” Tommy scratched the back of his head. “So what does he eat?”

  “We cook fresh food from scratch for him, that way we know exactly what he eats, and he’s got a gastrostomy feeding tube in his abdomen. It’s for nutrition and medicine. He’s still very skinny, but his belly is swollen, since his kidneys are getting big.”

  “Fucking hell, Billie. Anything else?”

  “High blood pressure, and his liver is starting to act up, which is why I want to have the kidney transplant before his liver is beyond repair. He gets urine infections pretty often, which, in bad cases, travels up to his kidneys.” I kept adding things as I remembered them. I just needed to get it out of me, because if I started thinking about what it was I was actually listing, my child’s symptoms, I’d break down. “He bruises easily, so he’s got a lot of bruises. Tired, of course, both due to the illness, but also because of all the medication.”

  Tommy looked sick. “Is he in pain?”

  “Sometimes, especially if a cyst breaks or he has an infection. That can be very painful for him.” I tried to smile. “But like I said yesterday, he’s still a very positive little kid, usually in a good mood, and he’s so eager to meet you. He’s been trying on clothes all morning to make sure he looks good.”

  He smiled a little at that. “Do you have a picture of him?”

  “Yes, I brought you one.”

  I took the envelope from my bag and handed it to him. Inside was one of my favorite pictures of Felix. We’d been to a monster truck show, and he’d loved it. He had a big smile, wore a baseball cap, and was holding a flag in his hand. Tommy took it from the envelope, and I was relived when he smiled.